When a marriage is in trouble, many couples turn to counseling as a way to save their relationship. Counseling can be an extremely effective tool, but it's not always successful. In this blog post, we will explore a few reasons that you may need marriage therapy.
All couples experience conflict. For some it battles about money; for others, it's a sex life that's lacking or a pattern of constant arguing. And the coronavirus pandemic has added yet another potential stressor: more time at home together, which can exacerbate tensions or expose hidden cracks in a relationship.
These are seven common reasons couples seek relationship help.
You've grown apart
After years of marriage, some couples no longer engage with each other and merely coexist as roommates. Divorce incidence peaks at different times says David Woodsfellow, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist and founder and director of the Woodsfellow Institute for Couples, in Atlanta. “The very top of the first wave is at about seven years,” he notes. “The very top of the second wave is 21 years. That second divorce is usually a growing-apart divorce. It's about avoidance, not fighting.”
You clash about money
Money has always been a contentious issue for couples, but throw in additional late-in-life concerns that baby boomers confront — potential health problems, fewer (and fewer) years of earning power, not to mention lousy interest rates — and you've got an atmosphere ripe for financial friction. In a Harris Interactive poll, 36 percent of married 55- to 64-year-olds said money matters cause arguments with spouses.
Someone has been unfaithful
One of the most common reasons for going to couples therapy: attempting to repair a breach of trust — in less delicate terms, cheating. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy has found that 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men report having had an extramarital affair.
You have lots of unproductive, hurtful arguments
We all have different ways of handling conflict. Some of us thrive on confrontation; others turn heel when things get heated. And then there are the passive-aggressive types. Big blowouts can leave behind tears and hurt feelings, but frequent bickering can be just as destructive. “Couples get into a repetitive loop,” says Ross. “It's the same argument over and over.”
Your going through a big transition
"Even if you and your partner are getting along fine, a big change can shake up the dynamic of your relationship,” McManus says. “And different coping styles are going to create friction.” It could be an illness, retirement or having the last of your children move out. “In the past your children may have occupied a tremendous amount of time and energy,” Saltz says. “Then they leave, and if you haven't been nurturing your marriage at the same level, you may look at your partner and think, I don't know who you are. I'm not even sure I like who you are.” Suddenly finding yourself caring for an ill parent, which can consume a big portion of your time and attention, presents a different set of challenges. If your spouse doesn't understand the stress or isn't supportive, it can stir up feelings of frustration and resentment. Couples therapy can help you deal with the new normal by restoring the connection you and your partner once shared.
You love life's lacking
In a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 2,371 recently divorced people were asked to choose reasons for their split. The number one response (from 47 percent of the participants): a lack of love or intimacy.
You want to avoid divorce or have an amicable one
"Usually, if [a married couple are] coming in for therapy, they've thought about divorce but want to see if the marriage is salvageable,” Saltz says. Sometimes couples have mixed agendas. One person wants to split up or get divorced, and the other one wants to save the relationship. In cases like these, McManus says, “discernment counseling” can help spouses decide whether they want to pursue a divorce or what needs to change if they want to remain together.
You also may need counseling to support the treatment and management of:
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Panic disorder
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• Bipolar disorder
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Addiction or substance abuse
• Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Schizophrenia
• Neurodevelopmental disorders
If you are experiencing any of the issues listed above, it may be time to seek out marriage therapy. Don't wait until things get worse - contact us today for a free consultation. We can help you and your spouse work through your problems and get back to your happy selves.